Why Most New Year's Resolutions Fail And What To Do Instead

"For last year's words belong to last year's language, and next year's words await another voice." —T.S. Eliot

Ahh, it’s that time of the year… Time to set New Year’s resolutions, commit to them intensely for a month, and then let them fade away—only to repeat the cycle next year. I’m joking of course, but most of us have been there.

We become enchanted when setting goals and high expectations for ourselves, thinking that on January 1st we will become a totally different person with a totally different lifestyle and habits. But then after some time, reality sets in and we revert back to our ‘old’ behaviors, doing what feels natural and comfortable to us.

The reality is, that simply deciding what we want isn’t enough. It requires adjustment, giving up old ways, incorporating new ones, trial and error, shifting your mindset, and thinking in new ways. I want to share how I look at resolutions. Keep reading, utilize what’s helpful, find what works for you, and ditch the rest!
 
Why do we struggle with creating and maintaining new behaviors?
 
As human beings, we crave consistency. We become set in how we see ourselves and who we think we are. This self-image is located in our subconscious mind and based on how we see ourselves, it guides our behavior and actions. For example, in the past when I saw myself as a smoker, I would consistently go to buy cigarettes, but now that I’m a non-smoker, I don’t do that because smoking doesn’t match my identity. We have established habits and behave in predictable ways, think the same thoughts, and even have a range of familiar feelings that we experience most of the time. Essentially, we don’t deviate much from our set patterns and ways in which we see ourselves. When we set new year’s resolutions, we don’t think about all the things we would have to change and what kind of person we need to be in order to align with new habits. 

When we set resolutions, we essentially claim that we will behave in ways that we generally don’t behave.

These new goals, most of the time go against our deeply ingrained identity and in a sense, require us to be a different person. Let’s say your goal is to work out five times a week starting January 1st, but you currently don’t work out at all. This behavior is not consistent with your current identity and will require a lot of effort to create and sustain. Your brain will work hard to keep you in your consistency of not working out, meaning it would take a lot of will power to intentionally keep doing the new behavior.

We can do new behaviors for a short while by relying on will power, but this wears off over time. New behaviors feel almost impossible to maintain for the long term, unless we change the way we see ourselves and practice new identities.  

Shifting The ‘Have, Be, Do’ Paradigm

We can’t reset who we are just because it’s a new year—our habits and ways of thinking follow us into the next calendar. Many resolutions fail because people think, “If I HAVE something, I’ll BE someone different, and then I’ll DO things differently.” While this can lead to change, it’s effort-intensive and often unsustainable. A better approach is to flip this mindset to “BE -> DO -> HAVE.” Ask yourself: “Who do I need to BE to DO the things that align with my goals, so I can HAVE the results I want?” This approach focuses on identity first. To achieve goals like losing weight, exercising, or saving money, you need to become someone who is disciplined, can delay gratification, and embraces discomfort. By shifting your identity, the behaviors needed to reach your goals become natural extensions of who you are.

​A Better Way To Set Goals! 
 
1. Tap into intrinsic motivation.
Really think about why you want this. There are no wrong answers, but you need to know what your reason is. Knowing your ‘why’ can make a world of difference as it creates an intrinsic motivation and desire to keep going when you struggle the most. Why do you want this, why it is important to you, how will it change your life?
 
2. Think long-term.
Anyone can stick with a new behavior for a short while, but unless this new behavior/goal/habit is supported by your lifestyle, it is unlikely that it will be sustained over a longer period of time. Think about what you need to adjust in order to make this new goal part of your life. Do you need to give up something in order to create this change, and are you ready to give up? What adjustments do you need to make so you can keep doing this for a long time, not just for a few weeks or months?
 
3. See it as if it’s already true

Visualizing will make a true difference in staying consistent. You have to be able to see yourself embodying and living this new goal. Create an image in your mind of what your life would look life if you already accomplished your goals or if you already live like this new behavior is part of your lifestyle. See your life unfolding in the exact way that you want, doing the things that you want. Having an image in your mind will not only solidify these goals but will work on a deeper level of changing your identity. Truly envision yourself living your life exactly how you want it to go, as if you already live as that person you want to become with having your goals achieved. One of my life mantra’s is: If you can perceive it – you can achieve it!
 
4. Done is better than perfect.
This one goes hand-in-hand with thinking long-term, especially in the case that you are looking to create a behavior change. For real, how realistic is it that you will never skip a workout? Again, setting really high, unrealistic goals will likely set you up for failure. Start with smaller, manageable things that you can actually accomplish. Keep focusing on consistency and doing things you want most of the time instead of focusing on doing it 100% and seeing it as a failure that one time you don’t do it.
 
5. Have a support system.
People around you may be (inadvertently) sabotaging your attempts or they may be uncomfortable with you wanting to change things. These attempts can be well meaning, but ultimately, they support your old behavior in which they were more comfortable. One person changing something in any dynamics requires other people to adapt. If you notice overt or covert resistance from those around you, check in with them and see if they are willing to support you. Tell them specifically and directly how they can help you with your new behaviors and habits.
 
6. Give up self-judgment.
Self-criticism and self-judgment may sound like good motivators, but even if you get to accomplish your goal, you won’t feel good about yourself. See your self-critic as a person that is right there next to you every single day, trying to motivate and navigate you through life. Keep thinking about what you would tell yourself if you were your biggest supporter, always wanting what is best for you.  
 
7. Frame your goals intentionally.`
What you tell yourself and how you word your goal may not sound like a big deal, but it is. We reinforce our behaviors by the words we use, and certain words can sabotage our attempts to maintain change. For example, saying that you want to “lose weight,” even if it’s a specific amount of weight, can set you up for failure. Why? Because when your goal is to lose a certain amount of weight, it implies that once you accomplish that goal, you are going back to your “normal” ways of eating. If the goal is to lose weight, it implies ‘one and done.’ A better way of wording it is to make adjustments in the lifestyle that will support a different relationship with food for the long-term. Needing to lose weight likely requires a different way of thinking about food (for example, thinking of it nurturing your body versus rewarding oneself with food or using it as a coping mechanism), or may require acquiring a skill of cooking. A similar example is the word ‘diet.’ When we say we are on a diet, it implies temporary adjustments after which we will go back to ‘old’ ways of eating.
 
8. Pause before acting
We act on autopilot and don’t take a lot of time to think before we engage in behaviors. To really get to the core identity of change, practice slowing down and thinking about what you are doing in any moment. Ask yourself: Did I choose this right now, or am I just doing this because it’s a habit? Is this what I want to be doing in this moment? Does this bring me closer or further from what I want for myself? Why do I keep doing this? Get to the core of what this current behavior is doing for you and why it’s so hard to give it up.
      
9. Anticipate challenges.
See if you can predict things that derailed you in the past or things that may come up that will get in a way of you accomplishing your goal or creating a change. Think of how you can incorporate small steps towards your goal while having in mind your lifestyle. It is unlikely that you will all of the sudden summon the courage, carve out the time, give up the things you were doing before, and become disciplined to go to the gym seven times a week. Well, you might for a while, but you will burn out really quickly.
 
10. Forego negotiation.
This was one of the best pieces of advice someone gave me when I first started exercising. Every day, I used to decide whether I wanted to work out. This gave me plenty of opportunities to come up with excuses and it took a lot of mental energy for endless negotiation. But, when I stopped negotiating and decided that I will workout at least five days a week first thing in the morning, regardless if I’m motivated or not, it changed everything. I decided it will just be part of my routine, like brushing my teeth. No one really thinks about needing to be motivated to brush their teeth…I hope. If you negotiate with yourself in the moment, you will rarely want to do something that is not part of your normal routine.

Remember that creating lasting change isn’t about perfection—it’s about progress and persistence. Embrace the process, focus on becoming the person who naturally lives and loves the life you desire, and be kind to yourself along the way. Keep in mind that every small step you take is a step closer to the future you’re working toward. Here’s to a year of growth, intention, and transformation—Happy New Year!