We all have moments or even extended periods of our life we wish we can get back. Now that we are older and wiser, our past choices may seem troublesome and we believe we would now choose differently. The more we dwell on past decisions & non-decisions and the more power we give to them, the more we sleepwalk through life. Our past decisions were based on the knowledge, resources, and experience we had at the time. Give yourself grace and an understanding that you didn't know what you know now and you did your best. Take the lessons, find the compassion for your past self, and start living in the present.

Recently I had an opportunity to be a guest on Next Quest Podcast where I shared about myself, about being a therapist, and how we can grow beyond patterns that restrict our life and limit our growth. I'm sharing some of the main points we discussed in the podcast. As you read through, see if you can distinguish your patterns and notice in which areas of your life are they prevalent.

I am beyond excited to announce that I have completed a year-long NARM® training (NeuroAffective Relational Model). NARM® is a cutting-edge model for working with attachment, relational, & developmental trauma. This approach works directly with trauma patterns of disconnection that deeply affect our identity, emotions, physiology, behavior, & relationships.

Maybe you feel that something is off and life doesn’t seem as full and rich as you imagine it could be. Maybe there’s a nudge telling you that something must change, but instead of trusting your intuition, you decide to wait for a sign. 

Many of us learned to not trust ourselves. Our internal experiences may not have been validated and our ideas and thoughts may have been dismissed or ridiculed, so we disconnected from our own intuition and wisdom. We learned to turn outside of ourselves for guidance, because we learn that it is not safe to trust ourselves.

Most timelines we set for ourselves are completely arbitrary. We take someone’s expectation of when we should start things and when we should finish them, and then we adopt it as the timeline to live by without ever questioning it.

​On any given day, there are so many different things to think about and manage, that it is easy to slip into stress, overwhelm, and mindlessness. In this state, it’s all about getting through and reacting instead of having a sense of ownership and deciding what needs to happen next. So, if you tried stressing about everything you do and don’t do, and it still didn’t solve your problems or made you more present to your life, here are a few things you can incorporate immediately to approach things in your life with more focus, clarity, and ease.

People around us are not always the most reliable source of support and insight. They might not understand our needs for change, they might know how to support us, or they might not even want to support change. At times, in attempts to appease their own discomfort they enable our (and likely their own) harmful behaviors & ways of being.

Reflections and self-inquiry are such powerful ways into our inner world. The key to an enriching reflection is curiosity. When we discover something we deem negative or bad about ourselves, many of us immediately start judging ourselves for it. If we anticipate that judgment may come up, we can notice it without engaging in it, and then observe it with curiosity. Keep this in mind when you do this exercise.

For a while now, I felt called to work with individuals who are not necessarily struggling with mental health concerns or need healing, but instead are ready for their next growth opportunity. With honoring this passion of mine, I am excited to now offer online coaching in addition to psychotherapy!

No matter how much we know within our minds that other people’s opinions of us do not matter, and what truly matters is only how we see ourselves, it is much more difficult to embody this notion with confidence and own it as truth.
 
When we feel a strong desire to pursue and do something that goes against a deep-seated self-image and identity, we usually say: “what will people think, that’s not how they know me,” or “I’ve never done that before,” or “they’ve never seen me in that role.” All that means is: “I need to behave in a way that’s familiar to others, and if I don’t, I’m afraid they will judge me.”

In retrospect, my story of how I became a therapist seems clear – as though everything that I’ve experienced was pointing to this direction, it all fits together perfectly. But, when I was in the midst of my personal and situational struggles, things didn’t seem as clear. It was difficult to understand there was a bigger purpose to it all, but now I know that there always was. If we follow our inner guidance and instinct, things always work out for us exactly as they need to.

Deep change takes giving up, discomfort, not knowing, trial and error, obstacles (both mental and physical), and radical belief in oneself! Wanting different results always requires a different action.
 
Being in that space between comfort of the known and the discomfort of change is where most people tend to give up, give in, take shortcuts, and try quick fixes. No shame in that, we all prefer to be comfortable - we want the easy route. But comfort is often constricting and it hinders experiencing the fullness of life, change, and growth.

“The greatest burden a child must bear is the unlived life of its parents.” Carl Jung
 
There are many people that leave a mark on us throughout our lives. Some influence us in profound ways, too complex to fully grasp with our conscious mind.

Ahh, it’s that time of the year… Time to set new year’s resolutions, go really hard at it for a month, then give up like it’s no one’s business… until the next year when we get to do it all over again. I’m joking of course, but most of us have been there.

Since I discussed the reasons why I believe most resolutions fail, I thought it would be fair to add how I go about that. Writing down goals leads to a stronger likelihood they will be accomplished, and with that in mind, I always have two lists: yearly goals and life goals (talked about it here in my Instagram video). Yearly goals are self-explanatory – it is all the things that I wish to achieve, experience, and be a part of in the upcoming year. Whenever a new goal comes up for me, I add it to my list.

In the movie The Perks of Being a Wallflower, there is a scene in which the protagonist asks his professor about why we pick people who treat us like we’re nothing, and his professor answers: “We accept the love we think we deserve.” Of course we do. I’ve experienced this in my own life. Over the course of many years, I can clearly see how my circumstances always mirrored how I felt about myself. It was reflected in my relationships, in how I treated my body, and in my internal world and self-talk. ​​

First of all, having a bad day (or days) are part of life for everyone. A bad day can mean falling off track of a good habit you’ve been working on creating, feeling unmotivated, sad, resorting to using unhelpful coping skills, feeling melancholic, not feeling like yourself, moodiness, anger… or whatever else it is for you.

I love my mornings! It’s my favorite time of the day! I love its quietness, peace, and the possibilities inherent in the beginning of a new day. Mornings for me represent an opportunity, a new chance to hope, plan, reflect, and create intention about the day ahead of me.

Many people come to therapy not being able to pinpoint why they are struggling. They just know that life isn’t fun and fulfilling, and they feel stuck, unhappy, numb, broken, anxious, or  depressed.
 
I believe this happens when we (unconsciously) keep navigating the world with strategies and identities that were once helpful, but they no longer are. A favorite metaphor of mine for this is trying to use an outdated map to navigate around new terrain.